


knees knocking and blood flowing so

by Marshmellowtea



Series: bpd!seishi verse b/c i do what i please [1]
Category: DRRB, Dangan:Rebirth, Dangan:Rebirth-Voices
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Trauma, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Rape, Non Graphic Descriptions of Violence, Panic Attacks, and it's kinda implied that rape has happened to a main character, anyway Important Tags, anyway kagura maiko is everyone's best friend and you can quote me on that, as in there's a scene in the movie they watch that resembles rape, he's also autistic but that's not really relevant here i just wanted you to Know, horror movies, huh, implied food issues, it really doesn't go into detail, my headcanon backstory for seishi sure is something huh, non graphic descriptions of gore, seishi has bpd and ptsd but he doesn't realize this, seishi has friends who love him and you can't change my mind, spoilers for the japanese version of rebirth, tbh this whole fic is just. implied issues lkadjflksjk, that's as far as it goes though, though this fic is more based in the rebirth-voices interpretation for once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 11:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16786465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marshmellowtea/pseuds/Marshmellowtea
Summary: (also known as newsflash, the shsl assassin is the biggest pussy ever)it's class bonding night, and akira decides to bring a movie for them to watch!too bad it's a horror movie.maybe seishi should just admit when he's in over his head.





	knees knocking and blood flowing so

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i didn't mean for this fic to get so long or angsty that just kinda happened on its own?? i only developed the "seishi is afraid of horror movies" headcanon as a joke at first but then my brain was like. "hey,, don't you headcanon this kid with ptsd" and then i started writing this mess. i only planned for it to be like, 1000 words at first, and i was actually gonna post it on tumblr? but then it got longer and i was like okay, 3000-4000 words on my ao3 account, this is fine, but now it's 5000 words and i'm just lsdflkjasdkf WHY? i spent way longer on this than i intended and i'm just so sorry nzlfsgasjlkfsajf 
> 
> uh, anyway! the title is from the song "for flotsam" by los campesinos!, which doesn't really have anything to do with the fic i just thought the line was fitting. go listen to it anyway though it's a good song.

It’s so stupid. Sometimes Seishi wants to smack himself.

The fact of the matter is that Yodogawa Seishi does not like horror movies. Absolutely despises them, in fact.

...they scare the fucking _piss_ out of him. And that’s stupid and ridiculous because he’s the goddamn Super High School Level _Assassin_. He shouldn’t be scared by anything, least of all a fictional story made with puppets and CGI.

But doesn’t stop the fact that his chest collapses in terror at the mere _thought_ of seeing one. The last time he’d watched a scary movie, he couldn’t sleep for weeks afterwards. By that point, he'd already been having regular nightmares and disgusting, violent thoughts, and the sickening sights had only worsened the images that assaulted his mind.

He'd experienced enough horrors in his life. He doesn't need to watch a stupid scary movie for that.

So naturally, when Akira brings one to watch for movie night, he’s a little less than thrilled.

“A-are you sure about this?” he asks, for what has to be the thousandth time. He can practically hear Akira’s eyes roll from where he's bent over, fussing with the DVD player. “I just don’t think everyone will be okay with this. I mean, Miss Himuro-”

“Listen, Seishi,” Akira says, cutting him off with a barely concealed groan. “If Miss Himuro has a problem with it, she can go hang out in the other room with the other terrified geeks. You’re welcome to join them, if you’re scared.”

Seishi bristles, grabbing his arm to conceal the tremors running through his hand. “I’m not scared. I’m just...worried about our friends.”

Akira stands up, and there's a bemused look in his eyes. “Well, there's no need to worry that pretty little head of yours,” he says sarcastically, huffing out a laugh. “They'll be fine. Anyone who doesn't want to join in on the fun can hang out in the coward’s corner.”

Right. He can opt out of this. He can say “no, I don't want to do this”, and leave.

Of course, there's a million reasons why he _can't_ just do that, most of them (all of them) related to his fragile pride. And thus, he'll be staying. He just...has to make it through the movie. That's all he has to do.

“A-alright,” he says meekly. “I just don't think it's very fair…”

His voice sounds unusually timid, and it's enough to make Akira raise his eyebrows. He opens his mouth to say something, but fortunately, he’s soon distracted by Mikoto calling out to him.

“Hey, Akira. Are we ready to get this show on the road or what?” 

Akira grins, grabbing the remote and flicking the screen to the DVD menu. “We sure are. Everyone better find a seat! Be fast, otherwise you’re gonna end up on the floor.” 

Just the mention of sitting on the floor gets a groan out of pretty much everyone in the room, everyone except for Seishi. He numbly sits down on the couch, pressed up against the armrest, wrapping his arms around himself. Even the menu screen is scary - it’s an empty hospital hallway, leading to a darkness in the background. Static flickers around the edge of the screen, and Seishi can’t help the uneasy feeling twisting his stomach into knots.

“In that case, we’re gonna go,” Ayumu’s voice rings out, and Seishi looks up at him with unconcealed panic in his eyes.

“Wait, you’re leaving?!” He tries to keep his voice level, but he can’t stop the way it shakes. He hadn’t realized _Ayumu_ would be leaving. It makes sense, of course, he hadn’t exactly taken him for one to enjoy these types of movies, but it seems that a part of him had been hoping that he would stay here. With him.

Ayumu smiles, a hint of embarrassment (or perhaps worry?) in his expression. “Well, yeah...I don’t really like scary movies. Besides, me and Saiji were going to hang out…”

Akira laughs, taking his seat on the other end of the couch, one cushion length away. “Why do you sound so panicked about it, Seishi? Are you going to miss your boyfriend?”

“B-boyfriend?” Ayumu chokes out, his face turning bright pink.

Seishi grits his teeth, but says nothing.

“Were you hoping that you and Ayumu could share an, ah... _intimate_ moment here in the dark, Seishi?” Aruma teases, apparently deciding to join in on the fun. “Horror movies _are_ known to cause... _excitement_ …”

“Gross, Aruma,” Kazuomi says, taking his seat on the floor in front of the television. “I’m sure Seishi and Ayumu wouldn’t do something like that. They’re too classy.”

“Mm, I don’t know...fear can do _things_ to your body that I just don’t think they could resist…”

Everyone in the room groans and protests, except for Seishi. He’s too stressed out to defend himself. His hands are shaking, and he's one second away from pulling out his own hair.

“Oh guys, come on,” Maiko says loudly, thankfully stepping in. “Obviously, they wouldn't make out with all of us in the room!” She leaps onto the arm of the couch closest to Akira, a wide smile on her face. “Let's get this started, I can't wait anymore!”

...she's completely missing the point, as always. But that's fine. Seishi’s grateful to her anyway. The sooner they can get this started, the sooner it'll be over.

“A-ah, yeah…” Ayumu says, nodding quickly. “Well, we're gonna head out now. You guys take care, okay?”

He's addressing all of them, but his eyes are fixated on Seishi. Seishi wonders if he somehow knows the true source of his anxiety, or if he just assumes that he's overwhelmed by all the attention.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Akira says, waving his hand. “We'll be fine. You can go now.”

Ayumu frowns, but he leaves, joined by a group that makes up nearly half of the class. The only people left in the room are Seishi, Akira, Mikoto, Maiko, Kego, Aruma, Kazuomi, and Kasumi.

Seishi could still leave if he wants to.

He doesn't.

He stays there, sandwiched between Mikoto and the arm of the couch, trying to conceal his trembling. Kego sits on the floor in front of him, and they meet eyes for a moment, Seishi's stomach churning something awful.

Kego gives him a smile, and Seishi can feel himself relax a little. He sinks back into the couch, taking a deep breath in. He closes his eyes as Akira presses play on the remote, and he lets himself be lulled into a false sense of security.

Maybe things’ll be okay.

Maybe _he'll_ be okay. 

* * *

Things go smoothly for about half an hour.

Then, the first true jumpscare comes up.

Oh, sure, there had been a few fake outs leading up to it. Those had bothered Seishi a bit, making his anxiety spike up in his chest, but he’d been able to laugh them off pretty easily or take a few deep breaths, in and out, and steady himself a bit.

He isn't prepared for...for _that_ scene.

The lead girl is only in a towel, which already makes him anxious. The first horror movie he'd ever seen had a scene with a girl in a towel, and…

He doesn't want to think about it. He's trying his damnedest not to think about it, in fact, because if he does, he'll certainly crumble into pieces in front of everyone and that would be absolutely _humiliating_. As long as he doesn't think about _that_ , he'll be fine.

Or, at least, that's what he'd thought.

The girl walks slowly towards her closet, and he knows it's coming, he knows he knows he knows, and yet she opens the door and the monster screeches and he…

...he jumps. He jumps, and he's shaking, and this humanoid monster crawls on top of this half naked girl and…

...he can't take it. He shoves himself onto his feet and bolts, mumbling something about needing the restroom as he runs. He flees to the bathroom and locks himself inside, collapsing against the back of the door as soon as he's in, his breath coming in frantic gasps. He's borderline hyperventilating, and he buries his face in his hands, unsurprised to find his skin already damp with sweat.

“Fuck,” he whispers, his voice trembling uncontrollably. “Fuck fuck fuck _fuck_.”

He lets his hands drop, and for a moment, he leans against the door, trying to catch his breath. It's not real. It's not real, he shouldn't be reacting like this.

 _But things like_ **that** _really do happen._

 _He knows that very well_.

Just focus on breathing, he tells himself. Don't think about... _that_. That's over now. It's just a movie.

Once his breathing rate has become almost normal again, he shakily pushes himself off of the wall and bends over the sink, splashing cool water on his face. He sighs, wiping his skin dry with a paper towel, before exiting the bathroom.

He sits back down on the couch. It seems that the scene has passed, thankfully. His shoulders slump in relief.

“Hey.”

Mikoto nudges him, and he jolts, before smiling apologetically at her. She scowls suspiciously at him, but she doesn't call him out.

“Are you okay?” she asks instead.

Seishi swallows, licking his suddenly dry lips. He nods, trying to force himself into a more relaxed position. “I'm fine. Thank you, though.”

Mikoto continues to scowl, and she nods, slowly. “Alright then,” she says, and the suspicion in her voice makes a lump rise in his throat.

He fixes his gaze back on the screen, despite the fact that doing so makes his heart rate immediately skyrocket. It doesn't matter, though, as long as he can physically keep himself together. He can mentally fall apart all he wants as long as no one notices.

Mikoto’s hand suddenly lands on his knee, and he twitches in surprise. She gives it a gentle squeeze, before pulling her hand away, not even a glance in his direction.

While it makes him feel childish, he can't deny that it's also very soothing. He smiles weakly, wrapping his arms around himself. He's surprised that she did it, but he supposes that she does care about them, him and the rest of their classmates, in her own way.

He realizes that while he was gone, no one had taken his seat. Surely, at the very least Kasumi would’ve _tried_ to hijack his enviable place on the couch. He wonders if Mikoto had something to do with that. 

* * *

“Oh my, Seishi. I didn’t take you to be such a screamer.”

Aruma’s voice forces him to turn his head, despite the fact that he’d promised himself that he’d stay focused on the screen, no matter what. His mouth is half open still from a shout, and he snaps it shut with an embarrassed smile.

“Ah…w-well, I suppose I’m just full of surprises, then,” he says, chuckling weakly.

“This movie too scary for the big, bad mystery novelist?” Kego asks, and even though his voice is clearly teasing, it still stings.

“N-no! Of-of course not! I-I just…”

His eyes land back on the screen, just as the lead is grabbed suddenly by disgusting, spindly hands. He yelps, his heart doing a flip in his chest. His cheeks quickly turn a bright pink, and he cover his mouth, suppressing a groan of humiliation.

Kego just chuckles, giving his shin a pat. “It’s okay, man. Some people are just louder than others, it’s cool.”

Seishi bites back a whine, giving a tiny head shake. It takes every bit of his self control not to bury his face in his hands.

Aruma chuckles in delight. “Ah...if this is any indication of what you’re like in the bedroom, then I must say, I’m pretty jealous of Ayumu,” she says, her voice dripping with honey.

Needless to say, that comment does _not_ do anything to ease Seishi's anxiety. He laughs anxiously, bile churning in his stomach. “Well, I-”

“Can you guys be quiet?” Mikoto suddenly interrupts, annoyance plain in her voice. “Some people are trying to watch a movie here.”

“Yeah!” Kasumi agrees, shooting all of them a withering glare. “Quit the chitter chatter, unless you want your asses to get cursed!”

Aruma giggles, shooting Seishi a smirk. “Sorry, sorry,” she croons, directing her attention back onto the screen. Seishi ducks his head in response, his eyes flickering back over to the screen.

It’s really not fair of her to call _him_ out. He’s not the only one screaming or jolting at every jumpscare and gorey act shown on the screen. Maiko is louder than he is, her girlish scream ripping through the living room at every little fright.

The only difference is that she’s clearly _enjoying_ it.

Every one of her shrieks is accompanied by laughter, partially provoked by Akira’s merciless but friendly teasing. Just looking across the couch, Seishi is able to see the terrified smile plastered across her face.

He absolutely _hates_ it.

Or, no, hates is the wrong word. He _hates_ horror movies. He _hates_ changing in the locker room. He _hates_ Narumi’s stupid cakes, and how she always guilts him into eating a piece even though they make his stomach turn.

Maiko’s smile is something he _envies_.

Because that could be _him_. If he were stronger, he could find some sort of sick pleasure in being afraid, and could join her in laughing and screaming in the same breath.

Instead, he just wants to sob. How pathetic is that?

Maybe he _does_ hate that smile. Just a little. 

* * *

Fifty minutes. How are they only fifty minutes in?

Seishi checks his watch for the thirtieth time, his whole body jerking in panic at a sudden scream coming from the TV speakers. Just a glance at the screen shows him the source: a girl strapped to the chair, getting her goddamn _tongue_ cut out.

Well, that’ll be joining the usual nightmares for the next week.

Shifting in his seat, Seishi wraps his jacket tighter around himself, hoping that the garment will bring him some sort of comfort and soothe his shaking a bit. It’s just a movie, he reminds himself. He’s seen gorey, horrific shit _in real life_ , for god’s sake. Most of it caused by his own filthy, tainted hands.

He’s a formidable figure. People in the darkest parts of the world know the name _Katagiri Zen_. The Super High School Level Assassin. He's known for bringing swift, untraceable deaths to his pitiable targets. He’s a hardened, violent force of a man, and being so terrified of something so obviously fake is so goddamn _stupid_ -

The girl screams again. He looks up, and the sight on screen nearly knocks the wind out of him.

Her guts...her _guts_ are everywhere, being mercilessly torn out of her abdomen as she screams and screams and _screams_. Suddenly he can smell the scent of her blood, can feel it splatter on his hands and body and she’s still _screaming_ , how is she still _screaming_ there’s no way she’s still alive at this -

That's...that’s not her screaming ringing in his ears.

It's his own.

As soon as this registers, he clamps his hands over his mouth, cutting the sound off. Deep breaths. He takes in big gasps of air through his nose, trying to get himself to _calm_ _down_. Tears are threatening at the corners of his eyes, but he can easily blink them away if he could just steady himself.

The others are staring at him. He can feel their collective gaze, but he ignores it as best he can, dabbing the wetness away from his eyes with his shirt sleeve. They’ll eventually direct their eyes away from him when they find something else to look at.

He’s right about this, of course. Another girl comes on-screen, of the corner of his eyes, he sees Akira nudge Maiko and point at the television.

“Hey...I've been thinking. That girl kinda looks like you,” he whispers, loud enough for Seishi to hear. Then, his tone gets a little more dramatic, and he says, “Oh my god. It is you, isn’t it? Maiko, _you’re going to get eaten alive_.”

Maiko giggles, and she elbows him in the sternum. “Shut _up_! That’s not gonna scare me, you big jerk!” she whispers, lightly slapping his arm as he cackles uncontrollably.

He’s...he’s kind of right, though. There’s a lot of similarities between them, and not just in the physical sense. They're plucky, energetic, friendly...a little easy to panic, but they mean well...

A few of the characters feel kind of familiar, in fact. The dead girl on the floor acts (acted) kind of like Nico, and the love interest who’s certainly doomed kind of reminds him of Saiji...

Seishi cuts this train of thought off there. The tears are quickly returning, and suddenly it’s real, it’s all too _real_. Kasumi’s demonstrations have more than proved the existence of spirits, who says that one isn’t going to come for any of _them_?

That’s not the scariest thing though, is it? The scariest thing is that they’re in the same room as a killer, and they don’t even fucking know it. Seishi isn’t stupid, after all, he hasn’t told them about his real talent. That’d just put them in danger. There’s a lot of people after him, after all. The last thing he wants is for any of his friends to get caught in the crossfire of his awful, dirty work. If any of them died because of him, he knows he wouldn't be able to forgive himself.

But...he’s also scared of them hating him. Or fearing him.

He's more than capable of killing any one of them and getting away with it, not a shred of evidence to incriminate him. Any sane person would put as much distance between them and someone who could do something like that as possible.

He wouldn’t ever do something so horrific, of course. The very idea makes him nauseous. But sometimes he gets these...these _thoughts_ and _impulses_ that tell him to hurt someone and...and he can see their dead or mutilated bodies...

Oh god. He doesn’t want to imagine his friends being gutted like a fucking fish.

...Nico’s not dead, is she? No, of course not. He’d just seen her not even an hour ago. It’s just a stupid movie. He needs to stop applying this...stupid video to his actual, real life.

The Maiko-looking girl approaches the pile of guts that used to be her friend. Seishi forces himself to watch, even though his mind is screaming at him to look away. She starts to bawl, loud, screaming sobs, and the lump in his throat swells to a painful size. He wants to cry with her.

He’s walked in on the corpse of someone he loves once, too. The feeling is pure misery.

The music swells in the way that it does when something _awful_ is about to happen, and he _knows_ it's coming when the creature suddenly appears behind the poor girl. It slices her right in half, sending blood flying everywhere.

He expects it.

He still _screams_.

The dam finally breaks, and tears well up in his eyes before starting to stream down his cheeks in fat rivulets. His scream doesn't so much as fade out than get cut off by a throaty sob, and he curls in on himself, burying his face in the arm of the couch. He’s hyperventilating, choking on pent up screams and his own tears. He pulls his jacket up to cover his head, as if that’ll conceal his childish bawling from his classmates.

Naturally, it doesn’t.

“Uh...hey, Seishi? Are you okay?” Maiko asks, her gentle voice muffled by the TV and his jacket.

He only manages to sob in reply, unable to form words at the moment.

“...was that a response?” Aruma asks, a concerned lilt in her voice.

“Maybe...?” Kego hums. “I can’t understand...hey, Seishi, buddy.” He gently pushes on his knee, trying to get his attention. 

Seishi doesn’t acknowledge him. He just continues to bawl quietly and helplessly into the couch’s fabric, his chest heaving rapidly. He feels as though he might throw up.

“Uh, guys? Is he fucking _crying_?” Kazuomi asks, his voice shaking slightly.

There’s a beat that feels like it lasts forever, and suddenly, every single one of Seishi’s sobs sounds nearly a thousand times louder. He tries to swallow back his crying so he can laugh it off, no, it’s fine, just got a little too startled, but he _can’t_. Not even the blaring of the movie covers for him. He’s completely exposed.

“Akira. Turn that shit off.” Mikoto’s voice breaks through the white noise. Her tone is dangerous, tranquil fury lingering just under the surface.

There’s the sound of scrambling and a muttered, “Fuck!”, presumably Akira searching for the remote. The room bursts into chattering and murmurs, most of which are incomprehensible.

“I'll get the lights!” Kego’s voice moves with him, and there's the sound of a light switch flipping on. The movie’s still running.

“Akira. _Now_.”

“I'm trying, I'm trying! Fuck, this fucking remote doesn't wanna work…”

The movie shuts off finally, giving Seishi the chance to realize just how goddamn _pitiful_ he sounds. He's wailing like a fucking child, and even with his face buried in the fabric of the couch, his broken cries echo off of the ceiling and walls.

 _How pathetic_ , a familiar voice inside him sneers.

A hand is on his back. “It's okay, Seishi,” Maiko’s gentle voice says, and the hand gives him a few pats. “The movie's off now.”

Desperately swallowing back a sob, Seishi opens his mouth to speak, only to choke on his own gasps. He quickly realizes that he’s not going to be able to speak for a while, not until his crying dies down, and to him, that is _mortifying_.

“Oh Seishi…” someone mumbles, and there’s a shuffling in the room. “Can someone get him a water…?”

For an embarrassingly long amount of time, Seishi can do nothing but cry while his classmates shuffle their feet. Maiko stays by his side the whole time, lightly rubbing his back and humming softly to him. Adoration for her hits him like a truck, and he decides right then and there that he fucking loves her like a best friend, or maybe a sister.

Eventually, his sobs start to slow, and he feels something poke his shoulder. He flinches instinctively, and Akira’s voice fills his ears.

“Ah, shit, sorry. I um. I brought you a water bottle, since none of these other fucks wanted to do it…”

Seishi whimpers, slowly lifting his face from the couch as he sits. He keeps one hand over his face, unable to fully face his classmates, and holds the other one out reluctantly. Sure enough, something cylindrical and plastic hits his palm, and he wraps his trembling fingers around it tightly. He sobs out a quiet “thank you”, grateful that Maiko's hand is still on his back.

“What the hell even happened?” Kasumi asks finally, and even _she_ sounds worried for him. “Don't tell me you started crying over nothing!”

Seishi inhales sharply. He'd like to explain himself, but...he's still…

He shakes his head, only managing out a soft “sorry” before his breath hitches.

“Seishi. Hey. Look at me.” Mikoto’s voice is smooth yet commanding, her typical anger faded away into something softer. It's...odd, coming from her at least, and his chest aches because of it.

He moves his hand from his face, instead using it to fidget with the water bottle’s lid. It takes him a moment, but he does manage to drag his gaze out of his lap and comply to her request.

“Is this because of the movie?” she asks softly. She has an intense look in her eyes, and it takes everything in him not to look away.

Eventually, he nods, shame turning his face hot. He breathes in harshly, a choked, ragged sound, and it takes everything in him not to completely break down again.

Mikoto sighs softly, crossing her arms over her chest. “I figured. You were acting kind of funny after the first jumpscare…”

“Ah geez, Seish,” Maiko says, and she pulls him in for a tight hug. “Why didn't you say anything?”

Despite himself, Seishi immediately tucks his face against Maiko’s neck as soon as she pulls him into her arms. He whimpers, trying to muster up the energy to speak. It shouldn't be this hard to _form words_ , why is it so damn difficult?!

“Yeah, Akira. Why didn't he say anything?” Mikoto asks dryly. Even though he can't see it, Seishi can picture the exact look on her face.

“What? Don't push this on me,” Akira protests, but it's obvious he's withering under her stare. “I gave him plenty opportunity to make himself scarce if he wasn't up for it.”

“Mhmm.” Mikoto sounds unconvinced, but she doesn’t pursue the subject. Instead, she says, “Well, it's not so much the _why_ that matters, than the _what now_. Seishi.” He can feel her eyes on him. “What do you need?”

Ah. That question. Seishi isn’t sure how to answer, but he should probably say _something_. He gently pushes Maiko away and sits up, scrubbing at his eyes. He grabs his water and takes a small sip to try and dislodge the sobs still backed up in his vocal cords.

“I-I’m sorry about all of this,” is the first thing out of his mouth. He cringes, clenching his eyes shut. “You-you don't have to do anything. I'm fine now. This is all my fault anyway.” He waves one hand dismissively, before taking another shaky sip of the bottle.

There’s a pause.

“Does this mean we're not finishing the movie?” Kasumi whines quietly, genuine disappointment in her voice.

Even though normally, her rudeness would've put him off, Seishi couldn't help but feel extremely guilty for ruining her night. He's ruined all of their nights, actually. He should've been able to keep it together, and he failed them.

“Y-you guys can keep watching,” he says, and he cringes at how hoarse he sounds. “I'll be fine…”

Mikoto and Akira raise an eyebrow at that, and everyone else stares at him in disbelief. They don't even try to hide how little they trust his word.

“Uh, Seishi? You sure about that?” Kazuomi asks, an awkward smile on his face. “I mean...you kinda…”

“You were basically having a panic attack, from what I can tell,” Akira supplies, ignoring the looks of surprise he gets for the concern in his voice.

Immediately, Seishi shrinks. “I...I wasn’t...I just…” he starts to protest weakly, only to cut himself off with a gulp. It couldn’t have been a panic attack, no no no, because that would make him _weak_. He’s stronger than this. He’s stronger than some stupid movie. “It wasn’t a panic attack, I’m _fine_. I just got...”

He finds that he can’t say the word.

“Scared?” Kego steps in, giving him a smile. “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that. This shit isn’t for everyone.”

They’re all being so nice to him. So understanding. He kind of hates it. He doesn’t deserve it. “I just don't want to ruin your movie night…” he mumbles, self-pity burning a hole in his chest, seeping into the pit of his stomach. “More than I already have, I mean…”

“Awww, Seishi, it’s okay! You're not ruining anything, I promise!” Maiko assures him, giving his back an aggressive pat.

“Eh,” Akira says lightly, a teasing smirk on his face. “I mean. You only have a little bit…”

He’s just joking, in his usual assholish way. That much is obvious from his tone. But that doesn’t make it any less true, and the guilt is eating Seishi alive.

“Akira!” Maiko reaches behind her and throws an empty soda can at him. “Not funny!”

Akira attempts to dodge it, only for it to still end up striking his arm. “Ow!” he says, more likely out of instinct than actual pain, and holds up his hands in surrender. “Geez, okay, okay, I'm sorry!”

Seishi chuckles weakly, shaking his head. “Thank you, Maiko, but he's right. I kind of ruined the evening here…”

Akira frowns, something that almost looks like genuine guilt passing across his face. “I really was just joking, man…”

Offering up a weak smile, Seishi shakes his head, making a dismissive gesture. “No, no, it’s okay. Really. I just, ah...you guys should be able to enjoy this movie without me...y'know...”

For a moment, they all fall quiet.

“Well...what if Seishi goes and hangs out with the other losers while we finish the movie?” Kasumi asks, finally breaking the silence.

Maiko tilts her head, as if in thought. “Ah…”

“Phrasing aside, that's actually not a bad idea,” Mikoto says, glancing toward Seishi. “What would you say to that?”

Seishi smiles, rubbing the back of his neck. “I...I would say that I wouldn't mind. Doing that, I mean,” he says softly. His mind turns to Ayumu and Saiji, both in the other room. Together. “It...it might be nice, actually.”

Mikoto gives the smallest of smiles, and she nods. “Alright then. One of us can take you over to where the others are, if you want.”

“Oh…” Seishi gets to his feet, supporting himself on shaking legs. “No, that's not necessary. I'll be fine, don't worry about it.”

“Are you sure you'll be okay? Or are you trying to lie to us again?”

Mikoto’s question hits him like a truck, and he immediately ducks his head, digging his fingernails into the skin of his arm. “I...I'm sure…” he says weakly, and even to himself, he sounds unconvincing.

“Yeah, I'm kinda not inclined to believe you right now,” Kego says, halfway between amused and chiding. “C’mon, man. You gotta be honest with us.”

“Ah…” Seishi swallows harshly, his grip tightening on his arm. Finally, he relents. “I-I suppose I...I wouldn’t mind someone...escorting me there. If it doesn’t bother anyone.”

“It doesn’t bother me!” Maiko says, leaping easily to her feet. “I wanna say hi to Nico anyway.” She smiles, prying his hand from his arm and giving it a small squeeze, and that platonic affection Seishi had started to feel earlier only continues to bloom in his chest.

Akira shuffles his feet, and he rubs the back of his neck. “I’ll...I’ll come too. Since this is partially my fault,” he says, smiling sheepishly. He turns to Mikoto, coming over to Seishi’s side and putting a hand on his arm. “You better make more popcorn while I’m gone.”

Mikoto crosses her arms over her chest. “I will not do that,” she says, before pushing at Akira’s shoulder. “Go on now, get him out of here. There’s people he wants to see, you know.”

...is it that obvious? Seishi blushes, giving an awkward chuckle. “What do you mean?” he asks, a new kind of embarrassment creeping into his voice.

Mikoto just winks. It’s almost comical, with her usual blank expression, and he laughs lightly. He’s almost sad to turn away from her, following Maiko and Akira out of the room.

When he reaches the door, Seishi turns back to the others. “I...I really am sorry about all this. I really don't know what's wrong with me-”

“Man, shut up,” Akira grumbles, interrupting the beginning to his little apology monologue. He grabs him by the shoulder and drags him away from the room. “No more apologizing. Come on, let’s get you to your boyfriend. I know you just wanna see Ayumu again.”

Seishi’s face turns bright red, and Maiko laughs.

“Look at that face, Akira! You’re totally right,” she teases, lightly elbowing Seishi’s side.

“St-stop!” Seishi protests weakly, shyly hiding his face in his hands. Once again, embarrassment is creeping into his chest. It’s a different kind of embarrassment, though. Lighter. Gentler.

Despite his uncomfortably hot blush, he can’t say that he’s upset anymore. 

**Author's Note:**

> obvious seiyumu is obvious but there's....polyamorous hints as well. ;O more fics on the way in for this au. bpd!seishi is kind of my life at the moment i care about him so fucking much 
> 
> you can find me at marshmellowtea.tumblr.com if you wanna hear my dumb drrb headcanons!! they're all very stupid and i Love Them


End file.
